Kerry's Resume

Via The Federalist. WARNING: Drink alert dead ahead.)

JOHN FORBES KERRY, "MAN OF THE PEOPLE"

CAREER OBJECTIVE

President of the United States, Renter of the Lincoln bedroom,
Intern Supervisor, Commander and Chief and Defender of the Working
Man, I mean Person

EDUCATION

Educated at Swiss Boarding Schools -- because my parents did not
like me that much

Attended elite private schools like Fessenden School in West
Newton, Massachusetts and St. Paul's in New Hampshire -- just
like your kids

Graduated Yale University, 1966 (I am much smarter than that Bush
guy -- oh, wait, he also went to Yale.)

Graduated Boston College Law School in 1976 (I am much smarter
than that Bush guy -- oh, wait, he got an MBA from Harvard.)

VIETNAM MILITARY SERVICE

Served as an officer on a swiftboat in the Mekong Delta in
VIETNAM for three long months -- tried my best to come home a
hero like JFK after his service on PT-109. I was in VIETNAM --
VIETNAM was a place where I was for a while. Did I mention that
VIETNAM veterans love me?

I collected three Purple Hearts in my three months (had to get
three in order to come home and run for Congress as a hero like
JFK) and the last one for that scratch on my finger -- it REALLY
did hurt! It was important to have the right connections so I
could get home and run for Congress on my hero status like JFK --
he was not in VIETNAM, but I was.

Brought my own motion camera to make sure images of me in VIETNAM
becoming a hero made it back home to the states. Got a free trip
home after three months on my swiftboat where I suffered severe
injuries and collected three Purple Hearts (did I mention that),
a Bronze and Silver Star for heroism -- ensuring my destiny as
a hero and man of the people like JFK.

Got home and found out they were not bestowing hero status on
war heroes like me, so I threw my medals, or was it my ribbons,
over the White House fence. Maybe it was someone else's medals.

Co-founder of the VIETNAM Veterans of America and spokesperson
for the VIETNAM Veterans Against the War and worked closely with
Jane Fonda to make sure everyone knew that all the guys in VIETNAM
were war criminals -- I was too, and even testified before the
Senate about my own war crimes.

"Represented" my cadre of anti-American misfits in a Paris meeting
to discuss how we could better provide "aid and comfort" for
the North Vietnamese and to discuss the unconditional surrender
of the U.S. In doing so, I knowingly, directly violated UCMJ
Article 104 part 904, and U.S. Code 18 U.S.C. 953.

Did I mention that this meeting, and my other anti-American
activities, also put me in violation of the Constitution's Article
three, Section three, which defines treason as "giving aid and
comfort" to the enemy in time of warfare.

Consequently, I stand subject to the Constitution's Fourteenth
Amendment, Section 3, which states, "No person shall be a Senator
or Representative in Congress, or elector of President and
Vice-President...having previously taken an oath...to support
the Constitution of the United States, [who has] engaged in
insurrection or rebellion against the same, or given aid or
comfort to the enemies thereof."

But I don't have to resign -- I am understudy to Teddy Kennedy,
now the patriarch of JFK's family.

I topped off my coddling of Commies by authoring a book called The
New Soldier -- but since military heroes are back in vogue, I now
sue anyone who reproduces the cover of that book on any website,
especially a website like http://kerry-04.com/. (The cover picture
is a mockery of the Iwo Jima flag raising -- you can see it at
http://kerry-04.com/ until my lawyers get them to take it down.)

CONGRESSIONAL "SERVICE"

Volunteered as a campaign worker for my mentor, Teddy Kennedy
in 1962. I just love that big lug!

My first campaign for Congress was in 1972 -- I was a war
hero like JFK but nobody noticed so I ran on my anti-American
platform. I won the primary with a little help from my campaign
manager (brother Cameron) who broke into my opponents campaign
headquarters. Unfortunately, because of that Watergate thing,
I lost the general election to a Republican even after spending
more than any other Congressional campaign in the nation.

In 1982, with the help of Uncle Teddy, I got elected as lieutenant
governor for governor Michael Dukakis -- then got elected to the
Senate in 1984 -- it has been smooth sailing ever since.

I have dedicated the last 20 years, between wives and vacation
homes, promoting big government spending (except in defense and
intelligence, which I vote against every chance I get), class
warfare, the welfare state and general wealth redistribution, any
kind of abortion on demand (without parental consent for minors),
and obstructionist tactics in the judicial nominee process.

According to Americans for Democratic [sic] Action, a far-left
watchdog group, I have a higher lifetime liberal voting record
at 93% than Ted Kennedy with 88%

I am the ranking Democrat member of the Committee on Small Business
and Entrepreneurship. My current millionaire wife is heiress of
the Heinz Ketchup fortune -- a "small" business

Ranking member of the Hispanic Task Force, even though I "borked"
Miguel Estrada

Chaired the Senate Democratic Leadership Steering and Coordination
Committee

In 1987, teemed up with Teddy to get an override of presidential
veto of Boston's Big Dig Boondoggle -- one of the most larded
distributions of taxpayer largess in U.S. history.

In 1991 the Senate created the Select Senate Committee on POW/MIA
Affairs to investigate the possibility that U.S. prisoners of
war and soldiers designated missing in action were still alive
in Vietnam. Acting as chairman, I helped persuade the group to
vote unanimously that no American servicemen still remained in
Vietnam. In doing so, I helped begin the process of normalizing
U.S.-Vietnamese relations.

Wealthiest senator ("man of the people"), with an estimated net
worth of nearly $200 million (that's $800 million if you combine
it with my current wife's assets)

POLITICAL POSTURING AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS:

ABORTION

Voted to federally fund abortions

Voted against parental consent for minors

Voted against ban on Partial Birth Abortion (3 times)

Voted against ban on sending money to UN population fund --
the money was sent to pay for China's forced abortion and
sterilization policy

Have been warned by Catholic clergy that I will not be served
communion due to my stance on this issue

NARAL lifetime rating of 100%; National Right to Life
Committee lifetime rating of 0%

DEATH PENALTY

Oppose federal and/or state death penalty (except for innocent
unborn children -- see above)

Voted against death penalty for terrorists

Voted against death penalty for drug-related murders

TAXES & ECONOMICS

I like high taxes and want to raise them

Voted against all three Bush tax cuts & want to repeal them

Voted for 1993 Clinton tax hike (largest in history)

Voted against major tax relief packages at least 10 times

Support re-raising taxes on the wealthy to redistribute money
for healthcare and education -- i.e., Socialism

Claim I can stop outsourcing and create 10 million new jobs in
four years, despite the fact that there are only about 8
million unemployed people in the U.S.

Want to raise the minimum wage, which will result in
outsourcing and the loss of jobs Voted at least 5 times
against balanced budget amendments

Voted at least 5 times to raid the Social Security Trust Fund

Believe Washington manages your money better than you could

Lifetime rating of 26% from Citizens Against Government Waste

MILITARY & NATIONAL SECURITY

We don't need a military, per se

Favor UN control of remaining U.S. Troops

Voted for 7 major reductions in military funding

Voted against Gulf War I (1991)

Voted for Gulf War II -- but then criticized and voted against
military appropriation for troops

Voted against MX missile, Trident Submarine, SDI (Strategic
Defense Initiative -- Star Wars), and the B-1 and B-2 Stealth
Bomber/Fighter

Supported slashing $2.6 billion from intelligence funding
while serving as a member of Senate Intelligence Committee

SECOND AMENDMENT

Against

Have earned a lifetime rating of 0% from the National Rifle
Association

FAITH & VALUES

Against/Don't have any

Voted Against Defense of Marriage Act

Favor civil unions for homosexuals until marriage is popular
enough to support

Voted to extend hate crimes protections to homosexuals

Voted against voluntary school prayer

Voted against ban on human cloning and support embryonic
stem-cell research

EDUCATION

Voted against voucher pilot program

Voted against approving a school-choice pilot program

Support racial profiling and preference for admission to
universities, known as "affirmative action"

JUDGES, COURTS & LAW

Against racial profiling and preference when dealing with
terrorism

Voted against confirmation William Rehnquist as Chief Justice
of the Supreme Court

Voted against confirmation of Robert Bork and Clarence Thomas
to the Supreme Court

Only support activist judges who will support abortion,
persecute Christians and rewrite the Constitution

Voted against confirmation John Ashcroft as U.S. Attorney
General

Voted against punitive damage limits in products liability
cases

As Michael Dukakis' Lt. Governor from 1983-1985, supported
granting prison furloughs to hundreds of Massachusetts inmates

FOREIGN POLICY

Against linking Most Favored Nation status to China's human
rights record

Voted for Kyoto Protocol on Environment that exempted major
Third World polluters, while creating an unfair burden on
American taxpayers

Supported Iraq regime change as late as January 2003, but not
anymore

Support unilateral nuclear freeze

Support submitting completely to the UN, as well as the
International Criminal Court, taking all sovereignty away
from the U.S. and its citizens

Don't know what the Geneva Conventions say, mean or who
they apply to

OTHER QUALIFICATIONS

Five multi-million dollar mansions

A large multi-million dollar yacht

Many "American" cars, including several gas-guzzling SUVs, which
I am opposed to politically

Personal 757 campaign jet

Access to unlimited condiments -- did I mention my current
millionaire wife is heiress to the Heinz fortune

Have dual citizenship in France

REFERENCES

General Vo Nguyen Giap -- most celebrated military hero of NORTH
VIETNAM, where I served

"Hanoi Jane" Fonda

Teddy Kennedy

John F. Kennedy -- we have the same initials

Howard Dean -- (Albert Gore by proxy)

Dan Rather, Tom Brokaw and Peter Jennings

"Foreign Leaders" who I am unable to name at this time

Patriots, please visit Patriot Petitions, and join your name to those calling for John F. Kerry's resignation. Alternatively, you can send a blank email to: sign-Kerry@PatriotPetitions.US. Each email received at that address will be counted as one signature for the petition.