Valentine Don'ts.

With Valentine's Day fast approaching, I know there are some folks out there wondering just what to give that special lady for Valentine's Day.

As a service to my male readers, I think now is a good time to list the things that might be greeted with only a polite smile and a sudden headache.

Expand the entry to see.

1. No cards with someone else's name crossed (or whited) out.
2. No domestic beer. Premiums or micro-brews are negotiable. Make sure it's chilled.
3. Unless she specifically requested it, things like woolen hair-crusher toboggan hats are typically considered unromantic.
4. Hand written poems are sweet. Just don't confuse it with your handkerchief.
5. Any cosmetic labelled 'Wet N Wild'.
6. Any scent other than her usual.
7. No stuffed animals that are still damp with dog-spit.
8. No stuffed animals with kitty litter clinging to them.
9. No animals with the stuffy's stuffing still clinging to them.
10. No house-cleaning stuff.
11. No control-top pantyhose.
12. No diet books/club memberships/exercise equipment (unless she asks).
13. Flavored/colored/novelty condoms. (Don't be so obvious!)
14. If it isn't silk, satin, leather or velvet, don't give it to her in black.
15. Don't buy bondage wear if it hasn't been clearly established that she gets into that.
16. The ring that your last girlfriend crushed under her heel before flnging it back in your face? Don't regift it. Put it away. Far away.
17. Vending machine anything.
18. No plundered chocolate boxes. Get your own.
19. No massages that include you showing up with a camera, a box of Kleenex, and lubricant.

I know, I know. That pretty much leaves the Seven Safe Zones:

1. Flowers.
   
2. Chocolate.
   
3. (Unmolested) stuffed animals.
   
4. Gift certificates.
   
5. Real romantic getaways.
   
6. Shopping sprees.
   
7. Dinner out (or in, if you prepare it.)
   

Consider one of the above, and you might just be pleasantly surprised with a use for those minty-fresh man wrappers, after all. ;)

This public-service announcement brought to you by the Paper Bag Anti-Defamation League, and the flavor purple.

posted by Linda on February 9, 2004 11:52 PM