Valentine Don'ts.

With Valentine's Day fast approaching, I know there are some folks out there wondering just what to give that special lady for Valentine's Day.

As a service to my male readers, I think now is a good time to list the things that might be greeted with only a polite smile and a sudden headache.

Expand the entry to see.

  1. No cards with someone else's name crossed (or whited) out.
  2. No domestic beer. Premiums or micro-brews are negotiable. Make sure it's chilled.
  3. Unless she specifically requested it, things like woolen hair-crusher toboggan hats are typically considered unromantic.
  4. Hand written poems are sweet. Just don't confuse it with your handkerchief.
  5. Any cosmetic labelled 'Wet N Wild'.
  6. Any scent other than her usual.
  7. No stuffed animals that are still damp with dog-spit.
  8. No stuffed animals with kitty litter clinging to them.
  9. No animals with the stuffy's stuffing still clinging to them.
  10. No house-cleaning stuff.
  11. No control-top pantyhose.
  12. No diet books/club memberships/exercise equipment (unless she asks).
  13. Flavored/colored/novelty condoms. (Don't be so obvious!)
  14. If it isn't silk, satin, leather or velvet, don't give it to her in black.
  15. Don't buy bondage wear if it hasn't been clearly established that she gets into that.
  16. The ring that your last girlfriend crushed under her heel before flnging it back in your face? Don't regift it. Put it away. Far away.
  17. Vending machine anything.
  18. No plundered chocolate boxes. Get your own.
  19. No massages that include you showing up with a camera, a box of Kleenex, and lubricant.

I know, I know. That pretty much leaves the Seven Safe Zones:

  1. Flowers.
  2. Chocolate.
  3. (Unmolested) stuffed animals.
  4. Gift certificates.
  5. Real romantic getaways.
  6. Shopping sprees.
  7. Dinner out (or in, if you prepare it.)

Consider one of the above, and you might just be pleasantly surprised with a use for those minty-fresh man wrappers, after all. ;)

This public-service announcement brought to you by the Paper Bag Anti-Defamation League, and the flavor purple.

posted by Linda on February 9, 2004 11:52 PM

Don't forget gentlemen, that if the finances are a little tight (as long as it isn't just you being a tightwad) women do love things such as back massages, drawn baths with lots o' bubble bath and candles (make sure the tub is clean first) and home made dinners or desserts. Rent a romantic chick flick and watch it with her without making snarky comments (unless of course, she is the type to make snarky comments). It isn't really the quality of the movie, but the quality of the time you spend together. :)

Posted by: Ethne at February 10, 2004 05:46 PM

One year I put a novelty condom on the cat and call it a gift! One year! You're never gonnal let me live this one down are ya?

Posted by: Galstaff at February 10, 2004 08:32 PM


Well, my love, I wasn't going to refer to it directly, but since you brought it up...


Posted by: Linda at February 10, 2004 08:54 PM

What I wanna know is how did you manage to get the cat to hold still long enough? I am surprised you lived to tell the tale (or is that tail?)

Posted by: Ethne at February 10, 2004 09:36 PM


'Twas a cold, clear night. Our hero, having imbibed one too many manly drinks at Our Bar, smoked a cigarette, and stared at the calendar.

'Egads! Tomorrow would be the Hell of Holidays, the Bane of Man's Existence...Valentine's.

Swiftly, he cast about in his mind for a suitable gift. As he thought, a cat happened to cross his path. And then, in his gin-soaked state, he hatched a plan...

Posted by: Linda at February 10, 2004 10:50 PM

Swiftly, he cast about in his mind for a suitable gift. As he thought, a cat happened to cross his path. And then, in his gin-soaked state, he hatched a plan...

...yes, this would be one reason why I don't drink alcohol.

Posted by: Patrick Chester at February 11, 2004 04:18 AM

It's the thought that counts. ;)

Posted by: Linda at February 11, 2004 05:36 PM